Worthiness

For most of my life, I didn't believe I was worthy of love. Somewhere deep inside me was a belief that said: I am worthy of love only if I’m good enough. Successful enough. Only if I don't make mistakes. Only if my skin looks perfect.

Only recently have I come to understand how deeply that belief shaped my life.

Worthiness was conditional

One day, when I was in the first grade, I received an “F” on an assignment that I clearly didn’t understand. I remember walking home with that paper in my hand, a bright red “F” emblazoned across its white face, filled with fear that I would be scolded; or worse, ridiculed by my mother for failing.

That moment became the cornerstone for a lifetime fear of failure.

As a tween, I learned that love and approval had to be earned. My mother never showed love unless it was through praise, so I strove for praise by trying to be perfect all the time.

But my persistent acne—the kind just about every kid experiences during puberty—remained.

Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw evidence of everything I believed was wrong with me. I tried desperately to control the bumps and my unstoppable urge to remove them, but I failed. Again and again, I picked at my skin, created wounds, watched them heal, and then often picked the same ones again.

The more I tried to make my skin perfect, the more imperfect it became. And the more imperfect it became, the more unworthy I felt. It was a painful cycle. But eventually I began to see something I hadn't been able to see before:

My skin wasn't the real problem. The deeper wound was the belief that my skin determined my worth.

What if our wounds don't make us less worthy?

For decades, I hid my wounds—not just from other people but from myself. I wanted them gone. I wanted smooth, clear skin. I wanted to look in the mirror and finally see someone who was perfect enough to be worthy of love.

But what if I had it backward? What if I didn't need to become someone worthy of love? What if I already was?

That question began to change everything.

My spiritual journey taught me to consider something I had struggled to believe: my worth isn't determined by the condition of my body. My soul isn't scarred just because my skin is. My spirit isn’t less divine because I have wounds.

When I learned that love is already within me, I no longer had to try and earn it.

One of the most beautiful things I've discovered is that self-love allows us to look at the parts of ourselves we have judged, rejected, or desperately tried to hide and say:

I’m human. I am worthy and deserving of love.

On my spiritual journey I had beautiful breakthroughs and heartbreaking setbacks. There were days when I felt at one with Spirit and days when I felt utterly alone. There were days when I thought I had finally released my belief that I was unworthy, only to find it again in the mirror.

But now I know this wasn't failulre, it was simply my human being-ness.  

Healing isn't about becoming a perfect version of human selves. It's about becoming willing to love the imperfect version that we are in this lifetime.

Acceptance is not giving up

For years my thoughts were always: This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't look like this. Why can't I just fix this? Why ME?

But when I began practicing acceptance, something softened. I could acknowledge the appearance of my skin with curiosity rather than condemnation. I could have a wound without feeling unworthy.

Our worth isn't determined by the appearance of our wounds. Our worth is already within us.

Wearing our wounds without shame

The title of my memoir, Wearing My Wounds, came from my belief that I couldn't show my wounds without feeling unworthy of love. Perfection was the only thing that gained my mother’s praise, and praise was the closest thing to love she ever gave.

As my spiritual understanding grew from the practice of daily meditation, I began to heal emotionally as well as physically. I began to accept my wounds. I started forgiving them. And I started thanking them for what they have taught me.

Beneath all of the fear, the shame, the scars, the mistakes, the striving…there is something worthy. That something is the Divine within us.

If you’re struggling with our own sense of worthiness, perhaps you can pause for a moment. Put a hand over your heart, take a breath, and ask yourself these questions:

• What if there is nothing I need to do to become worthy?

• What if I have always been worthy of love?

  
  

Healing begins by releasing the need to fix or perfect ourselves and accepting the divine love that's already within us. Healing happens when we can start loving ourselves exactly where we are, wounds and all.

Healing will arrive when we feel worthy enough to wear our wounds without shame.